blind date

I pretty much just died.

via the Jinius

Much has been said about the woes of online dating. You think you may have chemistry over the internet but who’s to say that you will have anything in common face to face? How well can you really get to know someone online?

Lets follow a couple on their first blind date and find out. We will see that what seems like your run of the mill blind date can quickly turn into something much more than you signed up for.

BLIND DATE
INT. RESTAURANT-EVENING

JILL, an Asian woman in her late twenties, is having dinner with ROGER, a white man also in his late twenties. They are both dressed nicely and engaged in the type of friendly, but reserved banter that is characteristic of blind dates. But as the night progresses, they warm up to each other.

JILL
(holding up a wine glass)
Well, cheers to first dates.

ROGER
Cheers.

JILL
Can I be honest for a second?

ROGER
Who doesn’t like unsolicited honesty on a first date?

JILL
I just want to say that after all those email exchanges, I’m so glad that we’re finally meeting in person. You’re so refreshing.

ROGER
Really? I was just thinking that about you.

JILL
I’m so flattered.

ROGER
Even your profile was refreshing.

JILL
Your’s too. For once, a guy didn’t say that he was obsessed with Japan or Buddhism. And didn’t describe himself as “laid back” or “outgoing” or “confident”.

ROGER
It’s not their fault they only know three adjectives.

JILL
Or that they got these words from a sixth grade personality test.

ROGER
The women would always write: “I love going out but I equally enjoy staying in.” What does that even mean? Oh, and of course they were very laidback.

JILL
I’m not laid back. In fact, I’m always standing up straight.

ROGER
So am I. (nervously laughs) And you want to ask them, are you really laid back in all situations? Because if there were a fire in the building, I would not be laid back. I’d be screaming like a horse in slaughter.

ROGER laughs and accidentally lets out a nay.

JILL
What was that? Sounds like they let a horse in here.

ROGER shrugs his shoulders.

JILL
So have you gone on alot of these internet dates?

ROGER
Actually, this is only my second. How about you?

JILL
Oh, yeah, me too. This is my second or…twentieth.

ROGER
You must be pretty open minded.

JILL
Totally. I dated three gay men. But in my defense, they didn’t know they were gay at the time.

ROGER
I am pretty sure I’m straight.

JILL
I haven’t seen your shoes yet so I can’t be so sure. I think it’s a red flag when the guy has higher heels than me.

ROGER
Another red flag could be that he’s into men.

JILL
What about you? You’ve never dated any questionable people?

ROGER
I haven’t really dated that much. I guess I just never felt comfortable enough. Didn’t have that connection. Until now.

JILL
Can I be honest with you about something?

ROGER
I think you only get two honesty passes for the first date.

JILL
I kinda fibbed on my profile.

ROGER
So you’re not really Asian?

JILL
I never read Fight Club. I just said that I liked it because I thought I mentioned too many Jane Austen books and I wanted to even things out a little. In fact, I have no interest in reading Fight Club. It just sounds so violent. Why couldn’t it have been called Book Club?

ROGER
I guess I should also say something honest. I don’t want children.

JILL
Most men wait until the third course to tell you that information.

ROGER
I thought it was important. In our last email exchange you mentioned how you wanted a dozen kids.

JILL
No, I said a dozen would be the maximum.

ROGER
Either way, I wanted to put it out there.

JILL
Okay, well, that’s cool. My parents would rather me marry an Asian guy anyway and pass down our Asian genes.

ROGER
Great, so there’ll be more bad drivers on the road. (beat) Look, I think you’re very fun and we should just see where this goes.

JILL
Sounds good.

ROGER
Excuse me, just have to use the restroom really quick.

ROGER gets up from the table and JILL observes for the first time that while ROGER has the head and upper body of a man in his late twenties, he has the bottom half of a horse. JILL tries to mask her disbelief that ROGER is, in fact, a centaur–a half man/half horse that is usually found in mythological stories. ROGER notices that JILL’S face is ghost white and her mouth is agape.

ROGER (CONT’D)
Is there something wrong?

JILL
You have four legs.

ROGER, sensing that a serious discussion is about to ensue, trots back to the table.

ROGER
I thought you knew.

JILL
Knew what? That you are a CENTAUR?

ROGER
Can you keep your voice down?

JILL
Oh, I’m the one who should be worried about attracting attention?

ROGER
Jill, I’m sorry. I thought you knew.

JILL
Now it all makes sense. The photos with only upper body shots. The not getting up from the table when I walked into the restaurant. The constant references to CS Lewis!!! I guess I should have double checked your body type in your profile. I didn’t realize they had “slim”, “muscular”, “athletic”, CENTAUR.

ROGER
You weren’t exactly so forthcoming with your body type either.

JILL
Excuse me?

ROGER
I mean, when you said slender, you didn’t say badunkadunk.

JILL
Oh, I think we know who would win the badunkadunk championship here, buddy!

ROGER
I’m sorry. Maybe we should just get the check. This was a bad idea.

JILL
Yeah, this is a bad reality show on Bravo. Who wants to marry a CENTAUR??? Good thing you said you didn’t want children. Otherwise I’d have to tell my parents, “Hey, mom, dad: not only are your kids half Asian, but they are half horse!

ROGER
I thought you said you were open minded.

JILL
I am open minded about religion, politics, race. Just a little more conservative when it comes to mythological creatures! I’m sorry. I…I’m just not used to this.

ROGER
It’s okay. Most people aren’t.

JILL
You know, when I said that thing about Barbaro and how they should’ve shot him like Kujo. I was only kidding.

ROGER
It’s okay. How about we just switch the subject?

JILL
You got it.

ROGER
Lets try to pretend that we’re just on a normal blind date having normal blind date conversation.

JILL
Sounds great.

ROGER
Do you like to go dancing?

JILL
Oh, no. I’m awful at dancing. I’ve got two left. (muttering) I guess you do too.

ROGER
Okay, and we’re done.

JILL
Maybe we could just stay friends and just chalk it up to bad internet dating.

ROGER
Yeah, you’re right.

JILL
And I’m sure you’ll find someone special. We both have equally good chances of finding someone. I’m almost thirty and single in New York City. And you’re a half man, half horse. The odds must be the same.

A young, voluptuous woman in a clingy red dress walks over to the table.

YOUNG WOMAN

I’m sorry, I hope I’m not interrupting anything but National Velvet is my favorite movie and I haven’t been able to take my eyes off you ever since you galloped in here. What do you say we go back to my place and pretend it’s the Kentucky Derby?

ROGER

See, ya, Jill. Good luck finding a date on the internet.
The young woman gets on top of ROGER and the two trot off. JILL stirs her wine glass.

JILL
I should’ve tried J-date.